Friends

Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joy, and dividing our grief." --Joseph Addison, British writer and politician

Leading with the Right Heart

Luke 15

The Elder brother said to his father "you killed the fattened calf for him but you haven't even given me a goat." To which his dad responded "I killed the fattened calf for him, but you own the farm."

One of the primary problems in leadership today is that many people in positions of authority have the mentality of the elder brother instead of the father. Instead of knowing their role (of who they truly are) as a father (or mentor) of others, they believe lies. They believe lies about themselves, their brothers, and their father that breeds insecurity and competition. They consequently are in competition with the very people that they are suppose to be leading and constantly feel the need to reinforce the power they have over them instead of simply empowering them.

If we do not solve the identity problem in leadership then we will inadvertently build an infrastructure that keeps people from fulfilling their potential. One of the saddest things to see is an organization that has become so good at building this structure to enable or cope with the identity issue that they have no idea that anything is wrong.

4 rules of marriage: RULE #1

I have recently been confronted with the realization that some of our friends have been struggling in their marriages. In the past 6 months there have been multiple couples that we know and love that have had something really BIG (Big in a bad way) happen in their relationship. The truth is the BIG news did not start that way, there was a breakdown in one of the 4 rules. I have shared this list over many cups of coffee in the past few months, so here it is. There are other things we do that enhance our relationship, and I'm sure others will have wonderful other ideas to add, but may I suggest that these are the 4 RULES that give us a firm foundation on which we can continue to build on over our lifetimes.

Our 4 rules of marriage. Rule #1

1. DATE! At a minimum of two times per month. In case you need clarification by "Go on a Date" it means go out (just the two of you) without kids, or anyone else and do something together, or just sit and talk.

No excuses, here are the reasons people tell me they do not date and here are my answers, enjoy.

Excuse #1: We do not have time

Answer #1: Make Time! If your Spouse is not important enough to do it, your marriage IS deteriorating.

Excuse #2: We do not have the money

Answer#2: You can go on a date for free. Walk around the mall, the park, the airport (oh sorry that one just applies to me.) We have saved our change to go get ice cream before and are not afraid to do it again! Sharing 1 Ice cream helps the budget and portion control.

Excuse #3: We do not have anyone to watch the kids

Answer #3: Find a few options that you both feel comfortable with. Trade date nights with a few trusted friends (it will then be free) Join a Gym together: then workout together and leave time to just talk before picking up the kids from childcare. Note: If your partner does not feel good about the child arrangements, they are not free to focus on you.

Excuse #4: We like to go out with other couples and friends together

Answer#4: It is totally OK to do that, but refer to the definition of a date. I have had couples that are young (newly married) and couples that are more mature:) (Been married "FOREVER") tell me they prefer to go out in groups. What they usually are not saying is... we do not have fun or enjoy being together alone. This is BAD NEWS Folks! Date at least two times per month until you start to enjoy it, it may take several months of dating to get all the "tough" conversations out of the way, then you will start to have fun again as long as you live by the other 3 rules as well.

Excuse #5: I am just Too Tired

Manage your Energy and emotions so that you have more to give on your date. What is it that is draining you? Usually it is their job, so I will ask about their job and find out almost always it is one of the following...

1. Work Excessively long hours at office and/or at home

~ Set healthy boundaries

2. Have job they have no passion/gifting for

~ This is a big one, but hire a coach to help you find those out and start moving in the right direction toward what you are good at.

3. Cannot say NO to the Boss or co-workers

~ Learn to say NO the right way. Remember if you can't say NO to them when it is appropriate, you ARE saying NO to your family.

4. Transition, pressure, responsibility at work

~ The more intense the circumstances, the more you need to focus on each other. If your office closes, make sure your marriage doesn't close. If you lose your house, do not lose your wife. The good news is, when they take that car you should have never financed, you posses a relationship that has the capacity to fulfill you so much more than the silly car.

Excuse #6 I will do it after I get a few things in order (close this deal, get a promotion, get the basement finished, re-landscape, etc)

Answer #6 This is a trap, we all know it. Guess what, your partner knows it too! There is always something and usually that "something" takes eons longer than we think or have been told. These are rules, and rules do not have exceptions or exclusions.

Excuse #7 We Feel we should focus on the kids right now

Answer #7 This is called a child based marriage. It is not biblical nor is it healthy for the kids. What they need (albeit among other things) is for you to love each other by example, and teach them (by your dating example) that your relationship matters. You need time to focus on each other. You duplicate who you are. Little girls learn how they should be treated by how daddy treats mommy. Do you want your little girl to marry someone that doesn't think its important to take them out like a princess? Little boys learn how to treat girls from the way mommy treats daddy. Do you want them to learn that you really never have time for each other? If the kids get ALL the time away from work, then the idea of marriage to them will be a means to an end (raising kids.) And you are setting them up to have the same type of marriage.

There it is rule #1. I care about you, and know that the amount of fulfillment and the heights of your dreams and that of your kids largely depends on the condition of your marriage.

The following pics were taken on 2 different dates. one to show the cost of our really yummy food and drink shared during happy hour. See Amanda's blog for info. The other is Amanda's mouth (doesn't she have nice teeth?) holding a sign at Michael's (the craft store) I scored major points for going there with her on our date because she KNOWS, I would rather snort table salt.

It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it.”

—Oscar Wilde